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Somebody, pinch me

On Sunday, I drove all the way out (30 or so minutes) to Blufton, SC to the closest theater showing “Babies.” I was curious about it, but turns out, the title is not a metaphor or anything; it’s just a movie about babies.

Why did I go see it? The preview is  all these glimpses of babies and at the end of the trailer, the words flash on the screen, “THE BABIES ARE COMING.” So, I had to go see it, right?

Bayar from Mongolia. My favorite of the four babies in the movie.

I mean, I like babies. OK, I love babies. Most people find babies’ feet the most adorable thing, or when they say “Mama,” or the first time they lift their head or something. Yeah, OK, but I think I think when babies cry it’s adorable. Not just a normal cry, the gasping-for-air hiccup cry, and then they stop. Just like that. Brilliant actors babies are.

But did they need  a whole movie? Probably not. I thought there was going to be some angle. It’s a documentary by Focus Features made by a French production company. Sounds fancy. Where’s the dramatic story line? Where’s the trial and tribulation? Oh, yeah. Maybe it’s when the baby from Mongolia has plays with a goat. Wait, no that’s not it.

The movie documents the lives of four babies around the world, but it’s just a glorified international Mommies Day Out. And I don’t want to hear the “If you were a mom…” argument. Yes, moms probably like it more than I do. No, I’ve never birthed a child with whom I have that indescribable cosmic connection. But I bought a ticket to your “Babies” movie (admittedly, to write a review), and other than the nicely-shot footage and the adorable baby in Mongolia, there were too many times when I was bored.

And you’d be surprised (or at least I was) at how often the American woman is naked with her child. Lady, your skin and rotund shape are not as forgiving as your newborn’s.

My full review is on District, but here’s my final evaluation:

“From the clip of the umbilical cord to the first triumphant step, this movie makes a big deal of the little deals. If you’re a mother (or soon-to-be), this movie might be worth the matinee price. If you just love the YouTube videos of babies laughing, get ready to be on cute overload. If you don’t think babies are even real people until they can walk, talk and use a toilet, then this movie will be a reassuring contraceptive.”

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